"Mommy, Mommy, I want to have a play date with Jessica today," your daughter says in a whiny voice while pulling at your brand-new, expensive shirt. "Today is not a good day; Mommy has to go to the doctor," you say. Your daughter drops to the ground, screaming and yelling right in front of the door. Not only are you embarrassed and feel like giving in, but you also realize in the long run that rewarding her for inappropriate behavior is not the answer. "Mommy told you not today, but if you are a good listener later and stop crying, then I will call Jessica's mom and you can play at her house very soon." Your daughter does not stop screaming, so you are forced to pick her up and place her in her car seat. You turn on the radio to drown out the yelling.
You call your husband and remind him you are bringing your daughter home. Daddy has a tendency to spoil his first-born angel. You tell him about the tantrum and that she needs to go to her room and cannot watch her favorite television program. At your doctor's appointment, you are thrilled to learn you're pregnant. Luckily, you are not showing yet, so you have time to prepare your child for a serious life adjustment.
There are very important tips that help with adjustment issues so that jealously becomes less of an issue. The faster you implement these suggestions, the more effective they become.
Start reading books about being a big sister or brother before bed. Make reading as interactive as possible. Tell your child a baby is growing in Mommy's tummy. "When you were little, you also were in my tummy." "Daddy and I know that you are going to be the best big sister/brother in the world."
Whenever your child does something positive, tell him/her, "We are so proud of you and know when the new baby comes you will help him/her to make good choices."
Inform your child's teachers of your pregnancy, and if they are receptive, the teachers can also make similar statements. Many teachers are very busy, but perhaps if you schedule a conference you both can devise additional ideas to help your child.
If your child enjoys art or reading you can start a "very special baby book." Have your child draw things she/he wants to do with the baby to help Mommy and Daddy. Your child can draw or trace and then tell you in their words what they are doing to help in all of the pictures.
Involve your child in picking the baby's name. She/he will be so thrilled to help to pick out the name for the new baby. Include the choices that you and your partner have decided on, and allow your child to choose from those. Also consider your child's perception. If your child loves the name Lauren, for example, maybe that could be the baby's middle name.
Go through photo albums when she/he was a baby. Reinforce your feelings about him or her as a baby. "You were such a cute baby and so sweet." "I bet the new baby will be just like you!" "Mommy and Daddy can't wait to take new pictures with you and your new sister/brother!"
Go to stores with your child and have him/her help you pick out maternity clothes. If he or she isn't interested in that, then pick out a few universal newborn outfits if you do not know the sex of the baby.
Include your child in getting things ready for the nursery. Continue to reward his or her hard work.
When you are grocery shopping make sure to go down the baby aisles. Ask your child what she/he thinks they will need for the baby. Tell him or her, "Mommy is lucky that I will have you to remind me of all these things." Also, say things like, "You are so smart. I can't believe you knew so many things a baby will need."
The key to parenting is to be honest. You do not need to give specifics, but it is important to answer your child's questions accurately. For example, if your child asks, "Where do babies come from?," it is not advisable to say that a stork flies in the sky and drops off babies to people who want them. Explain the concept at an age-appropriate level.
Your doctor's visit is over, and you can only hope that your husband has held down the fort. You will be really ticked if he spoiled your daughter. You enter to see your daughter is working on a card. "Look, Mommy. Daddy helped me make a sorry card." "Wow, it is beautiful. Thank you so much. If you make good choices tonight and Miss Beth tells me tomorrow that you were a good listener in school, then I will call Jessica's mom for a play date."
Beth Gewirtzman has been a school psychologist and teacher for numerous years, and her area of expertise is in early childhood education. Her true passions are children, teaching, collaborating with parents, writing, lecturing, providing small seminars for parents, and art. She is the author and illustrator of the children's book Allie the Alligator an A to Z Animal Alphabet Rhyme and is currently working on her second children's book. In addition, she wrote an inspirational poetry book entitled Passionate Words of the Heart. Both books were featured on NBC's South Florida Today Show. Beth can be contacted at earlychildhoodexpert@hotmail.com.