It's not fair that guilt became so intertwined with motherhood, but almost every mother suffers from maternal guilt about something she does or does not do.
In our culture, motherhood is so loaded with expectations of perfection that it's impossible to live up to the standard. That doesn't mean we don't try, or that we don't feel lousy when we fail.
It's time for a wake-up call. When you dissect the top guilt traps for moms, you'll find that about half of them are tied in with traditional expectations of women's work and behavior, and the other half are related to the image of the modern superwoman who can do it all and be it all, all while looking fabulous.
The truth is that we're not saints and we're not superheroes; we're human beings with varying gifts and flaws who are engaged in one of the most important jobs of all: caring for kids.
The way we raise our children is indeed vitally important to their future and, to risk sounding grandiose, the future of the world. That means that we need to do our best with what we have and learn from our mistakes.
Heaping ourselves with guilt doesn't improve the situation for mom or the kids, and guilt is a heavy load to add on when we're already hauling more than our fair share.
So, here is a quick top 10 list of guilt traps for moms. Read it, acknowledge it, but whatever you do, don't feel guilty!
1. Less-Than-Perfect Labor
Yes, the guilt starts early. Before we're even holding our new bundle of joy, we're told how the perfect birth should be. Your friends, your mother-in-law and the latest childbirth book all had their plans, but you, your baby and your body might have had another. Birthing plans don't always pan out, either. Rather than dwelling on what might have been or living up to other moms' war stories, focus on the fact that you and your baby are alive and healthy. You don't need to prove a thing to anyone.
2. Choosing To Bottle Feed
Not all mothers find it easy or convenient to breastfeed their baby exclusively. Whether breastfeeding didn't work for you because of issues with milk production, your work schedule, or other reasons, you're definitely not alone. Plenty of moms choose to feed their babies formula for one reason or another, and although breast milk is nature's intended baby food, formula isn't poisonous to your child. Relax and continue to follow the path that works best for you and your family.
3. Being Disorganized
Raising kids throws even the most organized woman off balance sometimes, and those of us who had a touch of disorganization prior to becoming a mom may find ourselves headed for airhead city once the kids come along. The "together" moms you see from time-to-time get that way through a combination of practice, perseverance, and probably a good dose of genetic organizational ability. And guess what? Even those seemingly perfect moms have their days and their messes.
4. So-So Kitchen Skills
It's not 1940 anymore. Women simply aren't taught cooking as an essential skill when we're young, and most of us get along just fine. Sometimes, though, you might feel a pang of envy for the mom (or dad) who has the time and talent to crank out beautiful, organic dinners for the family. Maybe being a gourmet chef isn't you, or maybe you just don't have the time or energy at the end of the day. As long as your kids are getting adequate nutrients and growing at a steady pace, don't sweat it.
5. Your Job
Feeling guilty about being a working mom is so prevalent these days, it has its own name: "working mother guilt." Interestingly enough, we hardly ever hear about working father guilt. Hard-working men are considered honorable providers who set a good example of a work ethic for their kids. Maybe it's time we felt some of that high esteem for ourselves.
6. Your Child's Challenging Behavior
Despite our best parenting efforts, kids don't always act the way we'd like them to. From a toddler's grocery store meltdown to a teenager's being ... well, a teenager, we have plenty of cringe-worthy public moments to deal with. With your help, your child will most likely grow out of whatever troublesome phase they are going through. Any parent you think might judge you has likely been in your shoes at one time or another.
7. Not Having The Newest/Best Stuff
It's easy to give into a case of gimmes when there's just so much kid stuff out there, but don't let guilt get the best of you if you can't (or choose not to) be a big spender. We live in a prosperous country, and it's highly unlikely your children lack any basics. Educational video games are great, but you can engage a young child's mind just as well with a few basic tools and your own imagination. Teaching older kids the value of money by having them save for luxuries will help them build character. And don't forget kids' infamous short attention span. No matter how cool or trendy the item, it most likely would have ended up gathering dust in the corner sooner rather than later.
8. Losing Your Temper
You have more chores than you have time. You're PMSing. The kids are screaming and won't stop to listen to a word you're saying. So you tell them to be quiet in a way that isn't the sweetest or most mommy-like, and you definitely don't use your indoor voice. Showing emotion (even the occasional snarl) actually isn't damaging to kids; it models normal emotional reactions and reassures them that your love is strong enough to survive a bad day.
9. Using Bribes
The child-rearing bible of the moment told you not to use bribes, but when you're trying to get that stack of paperwork done and your child just won't stop whining, offering a box of raisins or a favorite video in exchange for few minutes of blessed silence seems mighty tempting. Most parents do use bribes from time-to-time, and it's not the end of the world. Just try not to make a habit of it.
10. Taking Advantage of the Tube
Allowing your child to watch TV while you catch up on other activities is pretty common among parents from all walks of life. It's just that most don't want to admit it. While watching TV all day is definitely not recommended for a child of any age, some moderate viewing time won't do any damage.
So don't feel guilty if you aren't supermom all the time. Don't let society's stereotypical expectations make you feel guilty. Just pile lots of love on your children and know that you have done your very best. Sometimes it is better to leave the dusting until tomorrow, or put off doing the laundry for another afternoon so that you can spend time with your children or your husband or a good friend you haven't seen in a long time. Feel confident that the choices you make are the right ones.