Today's Love Tip
If you're expecting, there can be a lot of benefits to having sex in those nine months as you wait for baby. In your first trimester, breasts and genitals are more sensitive and hormone swings are abundant, making for potentially serious... Read More
More Love Advice
Relationship Lies that are OK to Tell

One out of three conversations between non-married couples contains a lie, according to psychologist Bella DePaulo, and one out of every 10 conversations between married couples contains a lie.

How many do you tell in your relationship?

Lying is something everyone does, and it's not always wrong. Serious lies that betray someone's trust are not OK, and no one should tell those. But white lies are perfectly OK in a relationship and can even be good for it.{relatedarticles}

White lies help save your partner from hurt feelings, preserve the integrity of the relationship and keep you sane, so you don't have to deal with every little situation that could potentially end in an argument.

So which relationship lies are OK to tell?


Relationship Lie #1: Sex is always amazing with you!

While it may not be as amazing as you are saying, it's important to tell him this so he can feel as though he has the power to make your toes curl. It will boost his self-confidence and actually improve your sex life. When someone believes they are competent in something, they will be, and that is how it ends up benefiting you.

Relationship Lie #2: I'll pay for dinner tonight. I don't mind.

Offering to pay for dinner sometimes, even though you believe he should treat you, tells him that you appreciate it when he does pay for you. And it's likely he'll pay for the dinner anyway because he wants to prove he can pay for it and take care of you.{relatedarticles}

Relationship Lie #3: I love this shirt you bought me!

Would it be better if you told him the shirt is ugly? No, it would be rude. You don't want to hurt his feelings and you don't want to seem ungrateful, so telling him you love it is an OK relationship lie to tell.


Relationship Lie #4: We're going to visit your parents this weekend? I can't wait!

When you come between him and his family, he may resent you. Don't ruin your relationship because of his family. Telling him you enjoy spending time with his family and just biting your tongue the whole time is a perfectly good lie to tell in a relationship.

Relationship Lie #5: My parents love you!

So maybe your dad thinks he's a loser, and your mom thinks he's unattractive, but you couldn't tell your partner that. Instead, you tell him a lie so a civil war doesn't break out between him and your parents.{relatedarticles}

Relationship Lie #6: I agree with you completely.

When you disagree with him, it often turns into an argument, right? Some days you just don't have the strength or it's just not worth your time. By agreeing with him, you save yourself from having to explain why you feel different and stop him from trying to convince you of his beliefs.

Relationship Lie #7: You are better than my ex in every way.

Men have insecurities as much as women do, and this is particularly true when it comes to ex-boyfriends. To help him feel better about himself, tell him he is much better than your ex, even if you don't necessarily feel that way.


Relationship Lie #8: My favorite shirt you got me ripped, so I had to throw it out.

The truth may be that you think it's ugly, and you won't ever wear it, so there's no sense in keeping it in your closet. Telling him that you threw it away because you didn't like it would hurt his feelings. However, telling him it ripped or was stained beyond repair gives you a perfectly good reason to throw it out without damaging his self-esteem.

Relationship Lie #9: That shirt is so sexy. Wear it only for me.

The truth is it looks like something your grandpa would wear, and you don't want him leaving the house in it. Instead of telling him he looks ridiculous, you make him feel good about himself and still keep him from leaving the house in it.{relatedarticles}

Relationship Lie #10: Do these pants make my butt look big? You can tell me; I won't get mad.

This lie is only OK to tell if you don't get mad at him. While you may not like the answer, if he says that it dos make your butt look big, you cannot express anger over his answer.

If you can't control your reaction when he says that you don't quite look the way you would like to look, it's better not to tell this lie.


Keep in mind that many men know that when a woman says she won't get mad, she's lying and will get upset. So men who realize this will lie right back with, "It's fantastic on you!" -- even if it does make you look big.

How to Decide if a Relationship Lie Is OK

Before you tell a lie, think about how it will affect your man. Answer the following questions to decide if it's OK.

  1. Will the lie make your man happy, feel empowered or more in love with you?
  2. If he found out the truth, would it be something he would break up with you over?
  3. Are you lying about something morally wrong?
  4. Will your lie betray him?
  5. Is your justification of the lie in his best interest?

If you can answer these questions with a clear conscience that your white lie won't hurt him or the relationship, the lie is most likely OK to tell.{relatedarticles}

What to Do if Caught in the Lie

Sometimes people who tell white lies get caught. When this happens, the best thing to do is to come clean. Don't try to come up with another lie to cover up your initial lie. Remember the phrase, "Oh, the tangled web we weave."

Tell him that you told the lie because you didn't want to hurt him with the truth. You love him too much to see him upset, especially when the cause is you.

He may still be upset, but if you show that you only meant to be loyal and supportive, he will come around to see you only wanted the best for him because you love him.


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The Truth About Herpes

One of the most common yet manageable types of sexually transmitted diseases or STDs is genital herpes. The herpes simplex virus can be present in many parts of the body, and genital herpes is the form that results from contact of the sexual organs of an infected partner.

While herpes can be a lifelong ailment, recent advances in medical treatments have made it a manageable disease to live with. Still, it is important to know the details about this STD so you know how to reduce your risk of contracting it or transmitting it to your partner.

{relatedarticles}

The Medical Basics of Genital Herpes

The herpes simplex virus (HSV) is the originating infection that comes in 2 forms: HSV 1 and HSV 2. In the past, HSV 2 was the main cause of genital herpes infections, but with more young teens having sex at earlier ages, the HSV 1 strain has also been causing cases of genital herpes. The HSV in both forms can be present in an infected partner without any signs or symptoms.

Once a partner is infected, they can develop conditions such as:

  • skin irritation near the genital areas including inflammation, itching, pain and burning;
  • blister-like nodes forming on or near the genitals;
  • sores that break open, scab over, and heal;
  • swollen glands, especially in the groin area;
  • fever;
  • headache;
  • muscle aches; and
  • burning during urination.

The onset of herpes symptoms is known as the first outbreak and can last for several weeks. In most cases, after this initial flare-up, the HSV goes dormant in the body until it is triggered again. Once the HSV becomes reactivated it is known as a repetitive outbreak.

Genital Herpes: The Good

Amazingly, there are some positive things to say about genital herpes in regard to the many types of sexually transmitted diseases a person can contract. Herpes is one of the more treatable types of STD and can often be managed to a point where you can lead a normal sex life.

{relatedarticles}

Treatment of genital herpes usually involves medication such as Valtrex, which is administered once you have started an outbreak. It can ease the severity of the symptoms and help reduce the length of the outbreak. There are also personal hygiene treatments such as sitz baths, wearing cotton underwear, and caring for any open sores with bandages and regular cleaning.

Ongoing treatment may be required for cases of recurrent and frequent outbreaks. Daily treatments with medications such as valacyclovir have been shown to also reduce the risk of spreading the disease to your partner in a monogamous relationship.


Genital Herpes: The Bad

Of course, all types of sexually transmitted diseases are bad, and genital herpes is no different. Herpes can be painful, frustrating, and has the potential to ruin your sex life if it is not managed properly.

The physical ailments alone are enough to cause any sexually active person to be concerned for their health. Life during a herpes outbreak can be uncomfortable, painful and frustrating especially since outbreaks are typically unpredictable in most patients.

{relatedarticles}

Emotionally, genital herpes can cause you large amounts of stress and frustration. During an outbreak it's common for patients to feel irritable, angry, or depressed as they deal with the physical ailments. There is also the added stigma of having to inform your partner of your condition and in many cases having to avoid sexual contact during an outbreak.

While sex after contracting genital herpes is still possible, it always carries some risk of infection no matter how much medication you are taking or how much protection you use. Your future sex life may end up revolving around avoiding sex during outbreaks and dealing with the frustration of not knowing when an outbreak can ruin a special moment.


Genital Herpes: The Ugly

Not only can this STD be extremely painful, but it can also open you to risk of other types of infections. If you have a compromised immune system, especially for those who also suffer from HIV, herpes outbreaks can be much more severe and sometimes require hospitalization to manage symptoms.

Pregnant women are often at a bigger risk for pregnancy complications when they are infected with sexually transmitted diseases. Genital herpes can be passed to the newborn during a vaginal delivery and can also add more discomfort to the mother during her pregnancy.

In many cases where mothers are infected with the HSV they will be advised to undergo a cesarean section to avoid passing the virus to their newborn. Additional medication treatment with Zovirax can decrease this risk, but it cannot be completely removed.

{relatedarticles}

Preventing Genital Herpes from Ruining Your Sex Life

The only way to completely avoid contracting any type of sexually transmitted diseases is to avoid sexual contact completely. Your next best defenses are safe sex practices that can allow you to still have a healthy sex life while reducing your risk of contracting genital herpes.

Evaluating your sexual partners is the first consideration for preventing the spread of genital herpes. Before starting a new relationship with a partner it's important to both get tested for all STDs. If you are both negative and involved in only one relationship this can reduce the risk of contracting herpes since there should be no other infected partners that could spread the disease.


If you are involved with a partner who already has genital herpes it's important to be honest and upfront about the condition. The infected partner should be open about their outbreaks and avoid sex during these periods to reduce the risk of transmission.

Use of condoms, both male and female, reduces the risk of spreading genital herpes but not completely. Remember that herpes is spread through genital contact and if sores are present on areas not covered by a condom such as the buttocks or thighs the virus can still be spread.

{relatedarticles}

With proper management of your outbreaks, regular visits to your doctor, and open communication with your partner about sexually transmitted diseases, in most cases you can still lead a healthy sex life.


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Communication in a Relationship

By Michael Brady

Communication is a vital part of our lives: a typical day involves many interactions between ourselves, our work colleagues and clients, our children, our friends, our ex's, future relationships, etc. This interaction takes place where we live, work, relax, socialize and wherever we perform routine tasks.

Communication skills are critical for building healthy relationships, especially when one realizes that one of the most common causes of relational breakdown is a lack of communication. Just as communication can be the most important part of a relationship; arguments can be the most destructive aspect - the closer we are to someone, the more easily we can bruise or be bruised. There is very little truth in the saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me." It's not what we say, but rather how we say it, that most often hurts another person. {relatedarticles}

Do you identify with any of these statements?

"He never listens to me when I talk!"

"She talks and talks, but never actually says anything!"

"It's like talking to a brick wall"

"I can't get through to you"

"We can't talk about anything important without getting into a fight"

"She's too emotional - she's either crying or shouting or complaining. It's easier to avoid her"

"He always gets defensive when I try to talk about issues"

Communication is a complex process; of which speaking only makes up for 10-20%. The other 80-90% is made up by facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc.

Communication is the art/ science of transferring a thought/ idea/ information from the mind of one complex human being to the mind of one or more complex human being(s). For communication to be effective, it must be a two-way process.


Dynamics of Interpersonal Communication

1. Facts: are both people communicating about the same set of facts? Try to separate the facts from thoughts or feelings.

2. Interpretations, Thoughts or Perceptions: Each person interprets a fact differently based on their belief system, personality, values and experience.

3. Feelings: how we are feeling, our current mood and frame of mind, etc can sub-consciously affect decisions and thoughts.{relatedarticles}

4. Intentions, Needs or Wants: hidden agendas; are we looking for comfort, clarification, information or simply a chance to interact? We judge ourselves on our intentions.

5. Actions: choice of words (is the intent to create harm?) + tone of voice + non-verbal speech = body language, posture, eye contact, facial expressions, etc.

"The medium is the message" => the way the message is delivered is the message itself.

6. Self: The communication centre, which includes the issue, topic or conflict at hand, has been "filtered" by the facts, interpretations, thoughts, feelings, intentions, and choices of behaviour / actions.


Listening and Feedback

Did I say what I meant to say? - Invite feedback to clarify communication.

Someone who's not listening lets their mind drift and is already preparing the next argument or opposing thought; inaccurate feedback or limited eye contact.

Listening is an active, not a passive process. When two people argue, they only hear "what they want to hear", not what's actually said. This equates to the accusation of "not listening". Most couples start arguing and within 5 minutes are arguing about the way they are arguing.{relatedarticles}

Don't argue when you're angry - you will not be able to listen objectively. Give yourself time to cool down and then broach the subject when you are in a more reasonable frame of mind.

It's important to give feedback - checking and confirming. Did I understand you correctly? Is this what you mean? I heard you say this: am I right? Feedback can be verbal / non-verbal e.g. a nod, smile, silence or a cold shoulder. No feedback is in itself a form of feedback.


If the words and actions contradict each other, it is better to believe the actions!

Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution can either be Constructive or Destructive.

Destructive Style - hinders or inhibits the conflict resolution process:

Confrontational (win or lose, blaming)

Sabotage (focus on weak points, shaming)

Manipulation (blackmail, withdrawal){relatedarticles}

Giving in (passive, submissive)

Avoidance (denial, withdrawal)

Constructive Style - trying to minimize the issues and avoiding the difficulties in resolving the problems:

Compromise (meet halfway, understanding)

Accommodate (open discussion, communication without confrontation)

Partnership (solutions, forgiveness, honesty)


When trying to resolve conflicts, try to clarify your goals, as you will probably share many of the same goals despite of your differences. Avoid bargaining, as this may lead to each party taking a rigid position which in turn can flare tempers.

When resolving conflicts, remember that their causes may run deep. Sweeping issues under the carpet isn't going to work in the long term, as old baggage will be brought up each time an argument starts. Try to fully resolve each issue as it comes along. You may find the following method useful:

1. Ask the other person for their feelings. Your conflict probably isn't about the issue that caused it to start in the first place. Don't forget that your goal is sorting out the problem, not winning an argument!{relatedarticles}

2. Ask the other person to define the problem. Stick to solving one problem at a time, that way you can understand each problem as the other person sees it.

3. Express your own feelings. Be careful to word them carefully, for example use phrases such as "I feel..." rather than "I think you..."

4. Define the problem as you see it. As your feelings come out, the solution may become clearer. Remember that by you listening to the other person; you will have set the tone for them to listen to you.


5. Create multiple solutions. Don't go back to your original agenda. Aim to find alternative or creative solutions that reduce emotions and tension.

6. Rate the possible solutions. Remember that no one can force an unacceptable solution on the other.

7. Combine and create a mutually acceptable solution. Create something acceptable to both parties, if this doesn't work - go back to step 1 and ensure both parties are being totally honest.

8. Be sure both parties agree to work towards resolving the issue.{relatedarticles}

Troubleshooting For Problems in Communication

Control or Power Issues: Effective communication cannot take place if one person has "control" over the other or where there is not mutual respect and equality of relationship. To stay in control leads to relational isolation as the underdog reacts in anger at being manipulated or belittled.

Triangulation: Do not bring in a third party to avoid direct confrontation. If you have a problem with someone, go directly to that person. Don't dump your accusations on mutual friends or your children in the hope of winning support to balance the scales in your favour - it leads to more substantial and long-lasting damage, especially when a child is used as a weapon between parents.

19 Steps to Effective Communication

1. See communication as an opportunity to praise, build-up, affirm, heal, support and give positive reinforcement, rather than to correct, criticise, tear down, hurt, wound, lash out at. Praise opens doors to further communication, while criticism shuts them down.

2. Remember that actions speak louder than words; non-verbal communication usually is more powerful than verbal communication. Avoid double messages in which the verbal and the non-verbal messages convey something contradictory. (Credibility gap)

3. Define what is important and stress it; define what is unimportant and de-emphasise or ignore it. Avoid fault-finding.

4. Communicate in ways that show respect for the other person's worth as a human being. "Avoid statements which begin with the words "You never ..." or "I think you ...".


5. Be clear and specific in your communication. Avoid vagueness.

6. Be realistic and reasonable in your statements. Avoid exaggeration and sentences which begin with "You always ..."

7. Test all your assumptions verbally by asking if they are accurate. Avoid acting until this is done.

8. Recognize that each event can be seen from different points of view. Avoid assuming that other people see things like you do. (Perception)

9. Recognize that your family members and close friends are experts on you and your behaviour. Avoid the tendency to deny their observations about you - especially if you are not sure.{relatedarticles}

10. Recognize that disagreement can be a meaningful form of communication. Avoid destructive arguments.

11. Be honest and open about your feelings and viewpoints. Bring up all significant problems even if you are afraid that doing so will disturb another person. Speak the truth in love. Avoid sullen silences.

12. Do not put down and/or manipulate the other person with tactics such as ridicule, interrupting, name-calling, changing the subject, blaming, bugging, sarcasm, criticism, pouting, guilt-inducing, etc. Avoid the one-upmanship game.

13. Be more concerned about how your communication affects others than about what you intended. Avoid getting bitter if you are misunderstood.


14. Accept all feelings and try to understand why others feel and act as they do. Avoid the tendency to say, "you shouldn't feel like that."

15. Be tactful considerate and courteous. Avoid taking advantage of the other person's feelings.

16. Ask questions and listen carefully. Avoid preaching or lecturing.

17. Do not use excuses. Avoid falling for the excuses of others.{relatedarticles}

18. Speak kindly politely and softly. Avoid nagging yelling or whining.

19. Recognize the value of humour and seriousness. Avoid destructive teasing.

Summary

As you look ahead to new relationships, you need to be able to break old and faulty communication patterns to allow for healthier interaction. The use of praise and positive reinforcement will reconstruct wounded and broken self-images and will build self-esteem, particularly in children. By becoming an effective communicator, you will also grow and become a better person which will positively enhance all your relationships.
About The Author

Michael Brady is web entrepreneur and is currently running a very popular dating site (Dating In Ireland). He wishes to coach people on some skills that will make them more prepared for an online dating experience.
The author invites you to visit: http://www.datinginireland.singlescrowd.com.


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